Silence (image courtesy of Mexico Rosel).

Our kids are going through a phase where they are a bit more… guarded about what they do (or don’t) share with us. While we recognize this as a phase they need to go through, we are also mindful of how we manage these silences because ultimately (for better or for worse), we do want to know what’s going on in their lives.

Now, to be clear, the issue here isn’t the lack of communication per se, but the lack of communication as it relates to something that might be cause for concern, something bigger than them or too complex for them to understand, something that may require our help but they won’t bring us in. It is for those moments that I want to make especially sure that we have open lines of communication.

So what can we do?

First, we need to understand why our kids won’t talk to us.  Second, we need to persuade them that it’s in their best interest to share certain information with us.

Why don’t kids talk to their parents?

As I see it, there are two main reasons why children won’t talk to their parents: on the one hand, they don’t want us to tell them what to do; on the other hand, they don’t want to make us angry.

The first is an issue of empowerment, or rather, disempowerment. When we tell our children what to do, we are undermining their ability to make their own decisions. I don’t like when people tell me what to do and our children don’t either. Now, we (i.e. grown-ups) are mature enough to realize that we need other people to help guide us but that is a maturity that comes with age and experience. Our children have not yet figured it out and so for them, it is simply easier to not give us the chance to make decisions for them.

As for making us angry, it simply easier and far more convenient to avoid raising an issue that might give rise to these feelings than it is to try to cope with them.

Does this mean we should never tell our children what to do or show any emotion in response to the information they share with us? Of course not. It does, however, mean that (a) we need to be mindful of that fact that our interference in their decision-making is an act of disempowerment and (b) when we respond with anger, we are aggravating a situation with which our children may already be struggling to cope.

All that said, there are certainly times when our involvement is necessary and important. How then do we interfere without also cutting off the flow of communication? We need to persuade them that it is in their best interest to share this information with us.

The Benefits of Sharing Information

If our hope is that our children will share information that may be troubling or of concern, then the first thing we need to do is ensure that our children can identify when they are in a situation that might be cause for concern in the first place - enter the “gut instinct.”

Developing Instinct

The gut instinct, being what it is, can truly only be developed through practice or more precisely, by making choices and understanding the consequences of those choices. As parents, that means that we need to encourage our children to make choices (even ones that we do not agree with) and we need to applaud their efforts when they are able to distinguish between the right and wrong choices (even when they’ve made the wrong choice). Why?

When we let our children make choices, we are asking them to understand the facts at their disposal and to determine what they think is the most appropriate thing to do in light of the given circumstances (and possible repercussions). This exercise, on its own, teaches children how to think critically and analytically, enabling them to evaluate information and make independent decisions.

This doesn’t mean we need to let them make all choices, but we can certainly let them make many choices and we should absolutely let them participate in any “big” decision-making.

When we applaud their efforts, regardless of the ultimate choice they made, we are celebrating their ability to engage in this intellectual process, to analyze data and evaluate different options. They may not arrive at the “right” choice but they are encouraged to continue developing their decision-making strategies. Conversely, when we express disappointment due to the choices they make (without separating the process from the result or recognizing that they made an effort), it undermines their sense of capability and may very well discourage them from trying to improve upon their techniques.

This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t provide feedback on the ultimate choices our children make. On the contrary, that feedback is critical to honing one’s instinct. When our children make the right choices, we need to acknowledge their success and showcase the positive effect of those choices. When our children make the wrong choices, we need to help them see why those choices are inappropriate and understand their negative effect. This is a critical component to choice-making for it helps children connect their thoughts and ideas to tangible results and assess the value of those results.

Now, once our children are able to identify situations that may be of concern, we need to encourage them to share this information with us. 

Disclosing Information

Admittedly, from a child’s standpoint, there aren’t too many times when this would seem to be a good idea. However, if we can keep in mind the two main reasons why our children resist sharing information with us, we may be able to encourage them to be more forthcoming.

So – they don’t want to be told what to do and they don’t want to make us angry. With that in mind, try the following:

• establish the habit of not telling them what to do and asking them what they think is the right choice. If you can create an environment where children are invited to have  conversations about certain issues without the threat of disempowerment or punishment, where their opinions and ideas are respected and treated with serious considerations, they will be more likely to bring their concerns to you in the first place.
• celebrate their problem-solving skills (even when they arrived at the wrong choice). Kids are less likely to share something that they think will result in a punishment or anger on our part. However, if we can get them to talk us through the problem and how they tackled it, it gives us an opportunity to praise them for their efforts and have a discussion on alternative solutions. That doesn’t mean they escape punishment for poor choices. On the contrary, it allows us to explain the repercussions of those choices in the context of learning proper problem-solving techniques.
• manage your reactions. Kids don’t like provoking their parents (generally) and oftentimes, it’s easier to withhold information than it is to incur anger or grief. If we can manage our reactions, they may be more willing to approach us when they are in trouble. That doesn’t mean we cannot express angerbut it’s important that those feelings come as part of a discussion of the consequences for choices made.
• offer guidance and advice, not problem-solving. Kids don’t like being told what to do (do you?) but that doesn’t necessarily mean they should be allowed to do whatever they want. The key is to offer guidance and advice but still enable them to make their own decisions. This entails an open discussion about acts and consequences but also presents an opportunity for a discussion on problem-solving strategies.

I would love to hear from you. What other suggestions do you have?

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• last week: Sleep Strategies for Little Insomniacs
• 2 weeks ago: Learning and Creating through Rock Thoughts
• 3 weeks ago: Developing Multiple Intelligences in Babies
• 4 weeks ago: Activities to Develop Naturalistic Intelligence

Sleep (image courtesy of Paul Sapiano)

Sleep – that one-way ticket from the madness that is our day to the madness that is our night in slumber. Sure the nighttime madness has a slightly more baffling tone to it, often bending laws of nature, physics and general common sense… but there is something so sweet and welcoming about being able to let go of those constraints that tie us down during the day.

There is no denying the benefits that “a good night sleep” will bring and we all know how important sleep is for children. So what do you do when your child struggles to fall asleep at the end of the day? He’s tired (he’s exhausted!) but still, sleep eludes him and he tosses and turns for hours. One thing we’ve done is to draw on multiple intelligences to teach our child how to sleep.

Sleep – Step 1

The first thing our child needs to do is identify the reason why sleep eludes him. It is usually one of two causes: his body is not quiet or his mind is not quiet. This is an important step for the strategies we will use to help him go to sleep will vary depending on the source of his restlessness.

Sleep – Step 2

If the cause is a restless body, his task is to find a way to drain his body of the excess energy coursing through him. To do so, we try the following techniques:

• Spatial Intelligence: he is to envision that he has a small bucket in his body and he is to use that bucket to collect the extra energy and toss it out. He starts by visualizing taking his bucket all the way down to his toes and gathering the energy in his toes until his toes are drained. He then visualizes the way back up to his mouth where he exhales all of that extra energy before heading back down to collect the energy in his feet… and so on.
• Bodily-Kinesthetic Intelligence: he lays flat on his back and closes his eyes. He then “activates” every part of his body in ascending order, one by one. He starts with his toes and first becomes aware of them, feeling the sensation of his toes under his sheets and pressing onto his mattress. He then tenses his toes, holds and slowly releases them. He then moves up to his feet and does the same. While he is focused on one body part, he is to focus on that body part only, concentrating on tensing/releasing only those muscles.
• Interpersonal Intelligence: for children who favor interpersonal intelligences, the human touch can be very powerful. One effective way for them to release their energy is by hugging someone else or simply cuddling. As appealing as this is for us (and for the Negotiator, in particular) we try not to rely on this one too much as it can become a bit of a crutch. The goal is for our children to be able to manage these techniques on their own.

If the cause is a restless mind, we try the following:

• Linguistic Intelligence: we have him lay quite still in bed and envision that he is writing a story. He needs to write out every word of his story but he needs to do so in his mind.
• Musical Intelligence: we often put on music for our kids. This is helpful for the restless mind as it gives the mind something to do. In this case, the Negotiator needs to focus his energy on listening to the music, picking out the different instruments he hears and identifying musical patterns.
• Spatial Intelligence: in addition to the visualization exercises referenced above, we have him mentally travel to a “calming place.” This is a made-up or real place that is very quiet and relaxing. He is to envision every aspect of this place, down to the last detail, including colors and textures, decorations, and even the things inside drawers or cubbies. The key is in guiding his mind to explore the details, going further and further until it is no longer wandering and restless.
• Logical-Mathematical Intelligence: the mind loves to solve problems (and indeed this is often the cause of our restlessness). When we’re trying to sleep, the key is to control the meanderings of our mind and we do so by focusing that energy. As with the exercise above, the strategy here is to give the mind guided patterns to work through (not complex problems to solve but rather, exercises that will “entertain’ the mind). For instance, counting sheep, identifying musical patterns, envisioning a structure build using Legos or building blocks, etc.
• Intrapersonal Intelligence: sometimes, our mind is hooked on a feeling and struggling to resolve it. In those instances, we simply try talking through those emotions to eventually release the mind.
• Naturalistic Intelligence: perhaps one of my favorites, with this strategy, we give flight to the mind by imagining we are a bird or butterfly or even a leaf, drifting in the wind. The Negotiator gets to choose the creature/object and he has to visualize everything about it. When he’s ready, he takes off and as he soars, he needs to focus on the feel of flight and everything he sees around him. As with the strategies mentioned above, the point is to guide the mind rather than letting it wander aimlessly around.

Do you have any good strategies for little insomniacs?

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• 2 weeks ago: Empowering your Teen
• 3 weeks ago: Building our Daughters’ Self-Esteem
• 4 weeks ago: Crying over Spilled Milk
• 1 year ago: the real meaning of Symbiotic Relationships

Empowering Teens (photo courtesy of The Hamster Factor)

I recently read an article about a wonderful petition by 13-year old Julie Bluhm who is appealing to Seventeen Magazine to “give girls images of real girls.” This is an excellent story of empowerment and one I think actually showcases a very effective way of teaching children, particularly teens, how to become empowered individuals.

Briefly, as Huffington Post states:

13-year-old Julia Bluhm submitted a petition through Change.org entitled ”Seventeen Magazine: Give Girls Images of Real Girls!” Bluhm, a middle school student from Maine, writes that the constant ambush of overly Photoshopped images has caused her and her peers to develop low self-esteem about their own bodies.

Even though the petition has gone somewhat viral it is hard to know what, if anything, Seventeen Magazine will do about this. However, let’s be quite clear: whether she succeeds in getting Seventeen Magazine to change their ways, she has undeniably succeeded in being heard and having a meaningful impact on others. That is empowerment and there is much to applaud in Ms. Bluhm’s efforts… and much to learn from this exercise.

Tips on Empowering your Teen

Promote High Aspirations

Perhaps one of the most challenging things about being a teen is that you are at breaking away from the only life you have ever known and entering a new world, far broader and more complex than anything you have yet encountered. The identity you had developed in your prior life is greatly shaken as you face new challenges and are required to make significant and formative choices, in large part all on your own. It is easy to feel very small amidst such turmoil. Which is why it is critical that teens have high aspirations.

High aspirations give us something around which to organize our mental, physical and emotional resources; they provide a focus in a world of seeming chaos and an important source of inspiration in times of despair. High aspirations help us fill some of the vastness of our new “grown-up” world, allowing us to turn our attention from how insignificant we feel to how important we truly are.

One could argue that high aspirations also provide a possible source of failure and great defeat which is, of course, true. However, that doesn’t make it any less important. Rather, the key is to help our teens understand to what they are aspiring and why, how to get there and, most importantly, how to set appropriate expectations.

For instance: Julie Bluhm is aspiring to change the way that magazines portray girls. Why? Because they have a detrimental impact on girls’ self-esteem.  What does she do? She appeals to one of the leading forces shaping teen images and identity, asking them to change their ways. Her power, however, doesn’t come from getting Seventeen Magazine to change. What makes Julie’s message successful is that her petition has been heard by others who share her plight, that her high aspirations have rallied other like-minded individuals to join her in this call for change (not just of Seventeen Magazine). Finally, as for expectations. This is where our teens often falter. If Julie’s expectations are to get Seventeen Magazine to change, she may be in for a disappointment. However, if her expectation is spark a conversation and inspire people to push her message forward, she has most certainly succeeded.

Encourage Individual Opinions

Returning to the turmoil of teendom, one of the most common ways that teens cope with these new feelings and experiences, is by relying on others (mostly their peers) to shape their opinions. Peers are a powerful force at this age (for better or for worse) and it is an empowered teen indeed, who can have an opinion of her own. This is why it is critical that as parents, we encourage our teens to have their own opinions (even, and especially, when those opinions differ from ours).

Creating an environment that promotes individual opinions starts with open and honest dialogue, where parents and children show mutual respect for all parties involved and a willingness to consider different points of view. We may be surprised and perhaps even dismayed at some of the things we will hear but we owe it to our children to teach them how to have sound, well-formed, and honest opinions that they can embrace and support with integrity.

What makes Julie Bluhm’s petition so inspiring is that it is born of a smart and honest opinion, one that directly confronts the message that a very powerful media is trying to instill in young girls. This is a challenging task for grown men and women, let alone the highly-impressionable teen demographic. For Julie to have been able to form her own opinion about such a weighty issue is no small feat and one that lends great credence and power to her own message.

Nurture the Power of the Voice

For teens, their voice (i.e. to speak their mind) is their most powerful resource. It is this same tool that can build fiercely loyal friendships or give rise to the most vicious enmities; infused as it is, with raw emotion and the rapid growth of vast ideas, it has an unparalleled capacity for both extraordinary creation and devastating heartache.  As parents, we are best advised to pay close attention to how our children learn to wield their voice and indeed, guide them as they learn to develop it.

Nurturing the power of the voice requires that we give children opportunity to speak their minds and hearts, to engage us in discussions and disagree with us. We need to support our children as they learn to say the things they mean and mean the things they say; we need to honor their opinions and help them understand (and cope with) the consequences of their voiced thoughts.

What makes Julie’s story one of teen empowerment is that (and how) she used her voice to connect with others in a meaningful and positive way. Her message is not a new one and one which I am sure is shared by many of her peers. It is her voice that gives the message power, the fact that she is willing to speak up (something that teens – and grown-ups alike – are often reticent to do).

Develop Integrity and Honesty

Integrity and honesty are big words, for anyone, and certainly not concepts that most teens truly understand and/or embody. That is why as parents, we need to help our children understand how to live with integrity and honesty.

Integrity is about consistency in our principles and beliefs: we do what we say, we act in accordance with what we believe to be right (no exceptions). It’s a hard standard to live by but an important one to pursue. Honesty is about being truthful, to ourselves and others. Living with integrity and honesty takes a lot of thought, commitment and courage. I will not pretend that I am always successful but I do always try.

Developing integrity and honesty in our children is a matter of helping them develop their thoughts, commit to their beliefs and have the courage to live them out. For children to develop their thoughts, they need to be exposed to different circumstances, situations that will enable them to think beyond that which they already know; they need to be given opportunity to voice their opinions, to disagree with people or have others disagree with them; and they need to experience the impact of their thoughts, to see how their ideas unfold in real life.

Commitment requires first that our children have been able to develop their own thoughts such that they can “own” them. This ownership of thoughts, ideas and beliefs is the foundation upon which they build their commitment. They must also learn to keep their word and expect the same of us. Finally, courage is easily the most challenging skill that any one of us can develop and one that is often in short supply during the teenage years. I’m still learning how to develop courage but I think it starts by understanding risk, the benefits of dangerous play, and how to build our bravery.

What I admired the most about Julia’s petition was the honesty of her opinions, her commitment to this cause and her courage in speaking up. I believe that it is these same qualities what have drawn the attention of the more than 7,000 people that have signed her petition and it is these same qualities that will continue to propel her message.

Now, I turn to you and as always, I welcome and appreciate your thoughts!

(By the way, I encourage you to not only check out Julia’s petition but her blog for Spark Summit, a “movement by girls, for girls and girls’ allies that… calls for grassroots mobilizing around the clear and present danger that sexualization poses to girls and young women.”)

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• Last week: Building our Daughters’ Self-Esteem
• 2 weeks ago: Crying over Spilled Milk
• 3 weeks ago: Celebrating Birthday Week
• 4 weeks ago: Creating with Rock Thoughts
• 1 year ago: On Fear and Empowerment

Girl Power

I recently read a great article on “Girl Power” and building our daughters’ self-esteem. Working off of that theme, here are a few additional thoughts:

• Developing meaningful relationships: for better or for worse, a key factor in the development of one’s self-esteem is how we are viewed in the eyes of our peers. Thus, who we choose as our peers, can greatly impact what we think of ourselves. With that in mind, we need to be mindful of the kinds of peer-relationships our daughters are forming and encourage them to develop those that are positive and meaningful. What constitutes a positive and meaningful peer relationship?
  • It is a friendship of equals where both parties have opportunities to lead and to follow.
  • Each friend has a vested interested in the success of the other and supports her friend’s growth and development.
  • There is trust and honesty among friends.
  • Each individual has different interests and is supportive of the other’s diversity.
  • The friends collaborate on projects or creative initiatives that further their joint interests.
  • The friends need not agree on everything but they do need to respect each other despite those disagreements.

• Choice: we need to teach our daughters howto make choices and understand the importance of the decisions they make. This is a process requiring that they learn how to gather and understand facts, assess the information before them, envision various alternatives and resulting scenarios, and evaluate their various options, ultimately making a decision to which they will need to commit (i.e. they are responsible for whatever choices they make).
  • Whenever possible, let your daughter make choices. First, help her understand the information at her disposal and what to do with it. If she needs more information, teach her how to find it. Second, encourage her to come up with solutions and help her evaluate the various merits of each option. Finally, help her understand the impact of each of their possible solutions and encourage her to make a choice.
  • Talk to your daughter as you make choices. Walk her through your own process.
  • Make sure your daughter understands that you are committed to the choices you make, especially the ones that don’t turn out quite as we expected.

• Voice: encourage your daughters to have a voice, to speak their mind and offer opinions. As with choice, this is a process that requires an understanding of certain facts but also the ability to formulate ideas and have opinions.  Perhaps most important, it requires a great deal of courage. How can we help our daughters develop a voice?
  • Ask your daughter for her opinion whenever possible and talk about the process that led her to arrive at that opinion.
  • Help her understand the facts of a situation and ask her to think about different ways of addressing a problem. Help them evaluate the merits of those different solutions and formulate the right words to express their ultimate decision.
  • Promote bravery in your child. Celebrate her efforts (even the small ones) and encourage her to take risks by offering opinions that might be different or unique.
  • Help her be aware of the impact that her voice has on others (both positive and negative) and build strategies to cope with negative (and positive) feedback.

• Collaboration: promote opportunities for collaboration with your daughter, encouraging her to be a part of a constructive exercise with you and others. It can be as simple as building a house of cards or playing a group game, or as complex as tackling an emotional concern or coordinating a family vacation.  The key is to help her develop skills that enable her to work with others to identify and solve problems.
  • Ask your daughter to help you solve as many problems as you can. Present the information at your disposal and invite her to offer ideas and solutions.
  • Have your daughter come up with projects that you can do as a family. Encourage her to plan how the project will be carried out and assign roles and responsibilities to the various participants. Help her develop strategies to manage the project and gauge its success.
  • Encourage your daughter to solve her own problems when she comes to you for help. Offer guidance on how to think about the problem and brainstorm solutions rather than offering up an answer.
  • Similarly, encourage your daughter to work with her peers to solve problems or create solutions.

• Learn how to learn: I am a firm advocate of focusing less on what our children know and more on teaching them how to learn. What a child knows at any given point in time is not nearly as important as whether they know how to understand problems and create solutions. How do we teach our daughters to learn?
  • Encourage them to ask questions, about anything and to anyone. Not everyone will be receptive to this nor will they always have an answer but the habit of asking questions is an essential skill for learning.
  • Hold your reprimands when a child doesn’t know something and encourage her instead to figure out how to get that information. Similarly, celebrate her efforts when she is pursuing answers (regardless of whether they actually get them).
  • Guide your daughter when she is straying in their search for answers. Perhaps the child needs to rethink the question or gather more information, perhaps they need to seek out other sources for answers. Don’t give them solutions but offer alternative ways of thinking.
  • Promote creative expression always and for everything. Creativity is not limited to the realm of the arts but is in fact the most powerful way that we solve problems. Creativity is about understand problems and generating novel solutions, it is the engine the drives change and propels improvement. We cannot stifle children’s creativity for that is the single most effective way of fostering a life of learning.

There are many more ways to build self-esteem and empower our daughters. I’d love to hear your own suggestions so feel free to drop them in the comments below!

Gurgling river (image courtesy of Kevin Cheng)

First I hear glug glug glug followed by the pleasant sound of a river quietly gurgling in the distance… which is funny because I’m in my dinning room and the last time I checked we hadn’t installed a river in the kitchen. Unless (insert slight hint of excitement) this is an early birthday present from a thoughtful spouse who realizes how much I need a gurgling river flowing through my life – reveries bluntly shattered by a hesitant yet definitive, “Mom!!!!”

Yes?

“The baby spilled some milk.”

Some?

“He spilled the whole thing.”

The whole what?

(silence… well, except for the river still flowing).

I get up and head to the kitchen only to find the baby gleefully splashing in a gallon-full of milk resting on its side, the milk softly gurgling out of the container and splashing off of the table onto the chair and then again from the chair to the floor in a steady – not-at-all-riverlike – stream. The Diva and the Negotiator are standing by watching the whole thing.

“He did it!” they both point at the baby.

I’m sure he did but my question to you is WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE WATCHING THIS WHOLE THING HAPPEN AND NOT DOING A THING ABOUT IT?!

By now, the milk is all over the table/floor and I get an earful on what went down: I-took-the-milk-out-to-pour-myself-a-glass-of-milk-and-he-got-it-and-knocked-it-over-and-it’s-not-my-fault-and-can-you-please-stop-yelling.

Quick answer: NO, I CAN’T STOP YELLING! Now, moving on to my options:

• Be reasonable and recognize that children make mistakes. Celebrate the fact that your four year-old is trying to be independent and take care of herself and applaud her efforts at trying to serve herself her own milk. Kindly remind her to be more careful about where she puts the milk the next time and have her clean up the mess because even though you know it was an accident, she is still responsible for her actions. Done.
• Loose it and yell at the Diva for being so thoughtless as to put an open and full gallon of milk directly in front of a notorious liquid-spiller and then dare to turn her back for a second giving him ample time to knock it over while she then sits there and admires his handiwork for a full minute before even alerting anyone to the problem let alone do anything about it.

Ah, the options – two ways to respond: one empowers the child and fosters a positive relationship between the parent who recognizes the infallibility of humans and punishes not for things that are out of said human’s control but rather guides them to make better decisions. I’ve seen those kinds of posts (many of them are on my site).

The other response, makes me sound like a crazy lady, greatly lacking in patience and patience, short on understanding and patience, and probably only half-way into my first glass of wine and equally progressed in my patience-o-meter.

Which one do you think I chose?

(We all have bad days!)

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• Last week: celebrating birthdays Tot Thougths style.
• 2 week ago: promoting creativity through Rock Thoughts.
• 3 weeks ag0: developing multiple intelligences in babies.
• 4 weeks ago: activities to help develop naturalistic intelligence.
• 1 year ago: the words we say (and hear).