I am participating in a writer’s challenge sponsored by Indie Ink in which writers are paired up to give each other a different writing challenge each week. This week, my prompt came from Dara:
As a lawyer with no kids (yet), I often wonder what my life would be like if I hadn’t put off the decision to start a family. Do you think about what your life would be like if you didn’t have kids? If so, what do you envision that your life would be like? And, have you ever thought about how different your kids would be if they grew up with different parents? How do you think each of your kids would fare in a different household (for example, if they were raised by your parents or your husbands’ parents)?
We did not plan to have kids… and certainly not when we did. I was at the tail-end of my first year of law school at Columbia University, an incredibly trying and emotionally-challenging experience in its own right. To top that off, not six-months earlier I had suffered a massive pulmonary embolism that landed me in the ER for over 24 hours and intensive care for a week. I was told that I had literally checked myself into the ER with but seconds on my life. Being young, healthy, and active, it had never crossed my mind that I would wake up one morning and not live to see it through. The shock of this near-miss has never worn off for it brought my frailty and naked vulnerability to the forefront, making the fact of my mortality ever present. That is a heavy burden to carry… even moreso when you realize a few months later that in your inevitable progression towards the end of your life, you are in fact, creating a new one.
Interestingly, this juxtaposition between death and life (or to put it in less severe terms: vulnerability and potential) happens to be one of the most emblematic experiences of parenthood and one of the reasons becoming a parent is such a life-transforming event. As parents, we live in continuous awareness of human frailty, exposed to raw fear, sadness and great heart-break and yet, we are equally participants in the single most extraordinary transformation to which we can bear witness, that of life and the promise of all that comes with it (most notably – a truly extraordinary brand of love). One cannot help but be forever changed by this experience. As a result, becoming a parent has greatly impacted the way I view the world around me and, more importantly, the way I think about myself. Which brings me to the first question.
Do I ever think about what my life would be like if I hadn’t had kids? Of course. However, it is hard for me to truly understand that life since it is now so foreign to whom I have become. For the last six years, all of my decisions, actions, choices and opportunities have been indelibly marked by my role as a mother; the identity that has been forged as a result of these experiences is that of very different woman than the one standing in her kitchen a moment before she found out she was pregnant. That is not to say that my life is now secondary to the interests of my kids. Rather, it means that I now see my life from a completely different perspective, one that incorporates the vulnerability and potential of three other people. It means that my dreams, goals and aspirations are no longer my own but are now intertwined with those of three other people. Does that mean my old dreams don’t matter anymore? Not necessarily. Some have ceased to matter as my priorities have shifted. Others, however, have simply been revised to incorporate a different me.
The second question is about my kids, how have I shaped who they are becoming? This is an interesting yet difficult question to answer as there is no meaningful way for me to know who my kids are outside of the context in which they are being raised. I have no doubt that the way I lead my life and the expectations I place upon myself shape their decisions. Moreover, I cannot help but place certain expectations on them that I know impact how they lead their lives. That said, I like to think of our influence as parents as being low-impact in the sense that we are not trying to dictate who they should become but rather helping them understand the challenges they face and empowering them to build a life that will support and encourage the development of their unique potential, whatever it may be. I won’t pretend that we always know how to do this nor that we are always successful, parenting is nothing if not a life-long learning experience. However, that’s not to stop us from trying.
As I look back on my experience as a parent, it is most singularly marked by a life of vulnerability and potential: my own, insofar as I am now forever tied to the unique life journey of three other individuals and my children’s, insofar as they are learning how to overcome their own vulnerability in the pursuit of their potential.
So now I open it up to you. Do you think about what your life would be like if you hadn’t had kids? How does who you are influence who your kids are becoming? I’d love to hear from you!
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PS – you can read Jason Avant’s response to my challenge on his site, Pet Cobra.
Since I have no children, I can only fathom how life vastly differs once they arrive on the scene, although I do have a clue between the 8 nieces and nephews that are in my life. The responsibility of forming a new life–indeed, while facing your own mortality no less!–I can only at this moment in my life find overwhelming.
I’m going to like having you along on this challenge! Great piece!
Thank you Jason!
Lovely piece. What a wonderful description of the amazing and organic journey we experience as parents to discover the “fullness of self” that is so hard to imagine before you have kids! Your posts have been a great testimonial to quell the “I’m going to lose my adult brain/life when I have kids” fear. I esp. enjoy your thoughts on the potentiality of our children and roles as parents- they really raise the bar (lawyer puns aside) on the parenting forum! Thanks K & keep up the good work !
Thank you for such kind words Alex.
Wow…love this one K! Your response to the question, “Do I ever think about what my life would be like if I hadnt had kids” hit the nail on the head. Both my husband and me both find ourselves reinturpreting our own life long dreams and aspirations. We are always pleasantly suprised to realize that our dreams have not changed, they are just even more important because they now include our daughter(soon to be daughters!), and will inevitably enrich their lives more than our own. Our actions, decisions, choices and opportunities are all based on a different, better version of “us.” So many people choose not to follow their dreams, but as parents I’m begining to realize that is actually more important that we do so as we are ultimately “helping them understand the challenges they (will) face and empowering them to build a life that will support and encourage the development of their unique potential, whatever it may be.”
Thank you yet again for the continued guidance and opportunity to discuss one of those little questionos that is always in the back of every parents mind!
Thank you for your comments, Anna. I completely agree that in an important way, our dreams and aspirations become even more meaningful as parents. That is a lovely sentiment!
“As parents, we live in continuous awareness of human frailty, exposed to raw fear, sadness and great heart-break and yet, we are equally participants in the single most extraordinary transformation to which we can bear witness, that of life and the promise of all that comes with it (most notably – a truly extraordinary brand of love).”
I am not a mother, but I want to be. And this sentence touches on exactly WHY I want it, despite the heartbreak, fear, and sadness.
Beautiful piece.
Thank you Maren.
This is so wonderfully insightful. As a single woman with no children yet (except furry ones), I am drinking in as much knowledge as I can before it’s my turn. Thank you for sharing this.
Thanks!
“That is not to say that my life is now secondary to the interests of my kids. Rather, it means that I now see my life from a completely different perspective, one that incorporates the vulnerability and potential of three other people. It means that my dreams, goals and aspirations are no longer my own but are now intertwined with those of three other people. Does that mean my old dreams don’t matter anymore? Not necessarily. Some have ceased to matter as my priorities have shifted. Others, however, have simply been revised to incorporate a different me.”
THIS. Yes, this rings so loudly and truly for me. Thank you for putting it so eloquently. It’s not that part of us dies when we have children – at least not in a long term way. We are suddenly greatly humbled at the presence of these new people in our lives and our perspective on everything makes a shift to incorporate their importance. It’s a beautiful thing. Beautiful piece, Karla.
Thank you and yes, it is one of the most humbling experiences we can have!
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Sounds like you are a killer parent
Hardly! Per my kids: I am the worst mother EVER in the whole universe and as soon as they get a chance they are going to find another family, or join the circus (this is their most recent threat which frankly sounds pretty good to me and I think would be a good fit for them). Thanks for the sentiment, though!
Karla, Your response was so thoughtful and soul searching, that my original quip (I’d be wealthy,sunning in the south if I didn’t have children and subsequently grandchildren),would not be appropriate. When you have children, you are bound to them for life . They bring immense joy and also, sometimes great heartache. Your priorities do change to encompass not only yourself but also your family and that leads to empathy and compassion for others as well. I feel that when you have children , you become less involved with self fulfillment and channel your energies elsewhere,at least when your children are dependent.Your happiness is more easily satisfied with a hug .
That is a wonderful way to put it – your happiness is more easily satisfied with a hug. I still seek self-fulfillment but it is a different self and it is filled by something simpler and, arguably, more meaningful – the privilege of sharing my heart without restraint. One more thing – I have found that my relationship with my husband has been enriched by the new selves that we are now as parents. He and I have had to work together each step of the way in order to survive the vulnerability and fuel the potential of having kids. Perhaps I’ll write about that next…
I agree. My relationship with my husband has developed into an even deeper connection…one that I didnt know was possible. To look at eachother each day and share the joy of our child ….the person we have “created” together… is an amazing experience. My parents unfortunately divorced in my teens and have never been on good terms since then. I’ve never understood how they could have so much hatred for eachother and yet claim to love me and my sisters so much. As a parent, I constantly look at my daughter and think how thankful I am that my husband and I were blessed with such a beautiful life. My love for my daughter stems not only from my maternal instinct to love ones offspring, but the pride and warmth that I feel every time I look at that little girl and think of the love that exists between my husband and I…the reason she was created to begin with.
I think this sounds like a great topic for your next blog
This is very well said and I agree completely. Thanks for your thoughts Anna.
This is a really hard one because I “got” children via my live-in boyfriend.
I never wanted kids of my own, and I’m really good at parenting but am not sure how much I love doing it. It’s so draining! Of course, they’re also cute and silly and amazing and lovable and all that… but dang I’m toasted.
I can imagine that “acquiring” kids is pretty hard. I get to use the “I made you” card as leverage for about 60% of what I want them to do. Not sure that I would be nearly as effective as a parent without that. I will say, I have to use this card with discretion as my six-year old is now wondering how exactly I made him! Not sure I’m ready to have that conversation just yet (at least not to the full extent that he’d like).
I tend to think that until someone confronts their own mortality, they tend to see life in very abstract terms. A little time on death’s doorstep does wonders for one’s perspective. With or without kids, it sounds like you’re way ahead of the self-awareness power curve and I can only imagine that makes you a much more empathetic and patient parent.
That’s a nice sentiment, thank you!
I’m so happy to have discovered your blog through the Indie Ink challenge. I continue to be floored by the talent of everyone participating, and your post is no different. Amazing. I appreciate you being so vulnerable and real; I look forward to reading more.
Mandy – thank you so much for your kind words. I’m glad you are enjoying the site and I would love for you to get involved in some of our features (the T Room and Finding Meaning). We always have space for guest bloggers too. On a separate note, Indie Ink has been great, I echo your sentiments exactly!
to your lovely words i say only this: YES.
Marian – thank you for your comment!
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This is such a dynamic conversation, and I one I verily love having with friends and family, parents and non-parents alike.
I don’t have kids, and don’t necessarily plan on ever having my own (though I do love kids in general, and specifically), but I often think about how my life will be wildly different if I stay on the childless by choice path I’m on, or waver from it to start a family of my own someday. I see two very different versions of my life, with endless possibilities on both sides, and none seems “better” than the other, necessarily. But I do wonder if not having children is something I will someday regret. No doubt kids change who their parents were and are, and I think that’s one of the most beautiful things about parenting. Or at least, I imagine it to be.
Kerri Anne – you are absolutely right, being changed so momentously is one of the most beautiful things about parenting. It is also one of the most challenging. Metamorphosis comes to mind – parenting is quite like the shedding of one life and being born into another.
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